On Father-in-Law Day, you should be able to tell a good Father-in-Law joke, and i could only find a few that were good (meaning i got a chuckle out of them and they don't have language i can't use in front of the kids).
A son-in-law, heading overseas with the military and expecting his first child, tells his father-in-law, "Since I can't be here, I'm counting on you to get the word to me that the baby has arrived. The doctors have already told us it's a boy, so when he gets here, you need to send me a message through command. But don't just say that the baby has arrived, everything has to be in code while we are over there. Tell me that the clock has arrived, and I'll know what you mean."
Well, a month later the baby comes and the doctor was wrong, it was a girl. This put the father-in-law in a dilemma. If he just said the clock had arrived, his son-in-law would think he had a boy as expected. If he said the clock hadn't arrived, his son-in-law might think something was wrong.
Finally, he sent the message, "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."
A mother-in-law decided to test her two sons-in-law, to see what they really thought of her. She took her elder son-in-law for a walk one day, and on the way past the lake pretended to trip and so "fell" into the lake and further pretended to drown. The son-in-law dove straight in and pulled her out, and the next day, he found a brand new Toyota truck in his driveway with a thank you note from her.
A couple of weeks later, she took the younger son-in-law on the same walk and again "fell" into the lake. But this time, she really got into trouble and began to drown. The son-in-law stood by gleefully thinking, "Finally, we are rid of the old bat!" The next day, he found a brand new Ferrari in his driveway with a thank you note from his father-in-law.
A Quality Analysis Engineer got married, and after a hard 24 months of it, he sent a note to his father-in-law that said, "YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS."
The very smart father-in-law responded, "WARRANTY EXPIRED, MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE."
Dia del Amigo -- Paraguay
Feast of the Throne -- Morocco
Festival of Fortuna Huiusque Diei -- Ancient Roman Calendar ("Fortune of the Present Day")
Friendship Day -- UN
Herbal Ballooning -- Fairy Calendar
Independence Day -- Vanuatu(1980)
Kronia -- Ancient Greek Calendar (festival of Kronos as god of the harvest)
Martyr's Day -- South Sudan
National Cheesecake Day
Paperback Day -- anniversary of the 1935 publication of Penguin #1, Arial, A Life of Shelley, by Andre Maurois in London, the first successful series of paperback books
Sumiyoshi Matsuri -- Sumiyoshi Taisha Shrine, Osaka, Japan (Osaka's last major summer festival, through Aug. 1)
Sts. Abdon and Sennen's Day (Patrons of barrel makers and coopers; the ashes of ferns cut and burned on this day will keep away insects and unwanted guests)
Zara Anne Elizabeth Phillips, granddaughter of Queen Elizabeth II, marries Michael Tindall, 2011
Hilary Swank, 1974
Tom Green, 1971
Vivica A. Fox, 1964
Lisa Kudrow, 1963
Laurence Fishburne, 1961
Kate Bush, 1958
Delta Burke, 1956
Jean Reno, 1948
Arnold Schwarzenegger, 1947
Paul Anka, 1941
Peter Bogdanovich, 1939
Buddy Guy, 1936
Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, 1933
Thomas Sowell, 1930
Sid Krofft, 1929
Christine McGuire, 1926
Henry W. Bloch, 1922
Casey Stengel, 1891
Henry Ford, 1863
Georg Wilhelm von Siemens, 1855
Emily Bronte, 1818
Today in History
City of Baghdad is founded, 762
The First Defenestration of Prague, 1419
Christopher Columbus lands at Guanaja in the Bay Islands off the coast of Honduras during his fourth voyage, 1502
At Ticonderoga (now Crown Point, New York), Samuel de Champlain shoots and kills two Iroquois chiefs, which set the tone for French-Iroquois relations for the next one hundred years, 1608
In Jamestown, Virginia, the first European style representative assembly in the Americas, the House of Burgesses, convenes for the first time, 1619
An earthquake in Naples, Italy kills 10,000 people, 1629
Baltimore, Maryland is founded, 1729
Bartolomeo Rastrelli presents the newly-built Catherine Palace to Empress Elizabeth and her courtiers, 1756
First ascent of Grand Combin, one of the highest summits in the Alps,1859
Chief Pocatello of the Shoshone tribe signs the Treaty of Box Elder, agreeing to stop the harassment of emigrant trails in southern Idaho and northern Utah, 1863
In Montevideo, Uruguay wins the first Football World Cup, 1930
Premiere of Walt Disney's Flowers and Trees, the first cartoon short to use Technicolor and the first Academy Award winning cartoon short, 1932
A joint resolution of the U.S. Congress is signed by President Dwight D. Eisenhower, authorizing In God We Trust as the U.S. national motto, 1956
US President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Social Security Act of 1965 into law, establishing Medicare and Medicaid, 1965
David Scott and James Irwin on Apollo Lunar Module module, Falcon, land with first Lunar Rover on the moon, 1971
Six Royal Canadian Army Cadets are killed and fifty-four injured in an accidental grenade blast at CFB Valcartier Cadet Camp, 1974
Jimmy Hoffa disappears, 1975
In Mexico, the last 'old style' Volkswagen Beetle rolls off the assembly line, 2003
Feline Friday July 20, 2018
2 hours ago