Ouch

#2 Son is back to his favorite summer activity -- picking blackberries and making pies.

Who ever thought that would be dangerous? Well, it is when you drop the marble rolling pin on your toe and break it.

Two broken bones in one house.

Another ouch was helping Little Girl bathe and change clothes. She wanted to stay in the same shirt until her arm is healed, however long that takes. Our noses said no. We did manage to do it with just a tiny bit of discomfort.

Two of her friends came over this afternoon to "help" her. They proceeded to have her cook for them! I came out to the kitchen to see what was going on, and she was fixing them lunch! I told them that next time they needed to ask me. Some help. Amazing what kids will do.


Today is

Baby Day

Brothers and Sisters Day

Door-Banging and Window-Tapping Conference -- Fairy Calendar

Education Day, Indonesia

Fire Day

Lag B'Omer -- Jewish

Motorcycle Mass and Blessing the Bikes Day

National Infertility Survival Day

National Play Your Ukulele Day

National Truffles Day

Peasant's Day, Burma

Roberts Rules of Order Day

St. Athanasius' Day

St. Zoe's Day

Twelfth Day of Ridvan -- Baha'i

World Laughter Day -- first Sunday in May


Birthdays Today:

David Beckham, 1975
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, 1972
Lesley Gore, 1946
Bianca Jagger, 1945
Engelbert Humperdinck, 1936
Roscoe Lee Browne, 1925
Theodore Bikel, 1924
Dr. Benjamin Spock, 1903
Baron Von Richthofen, 1892
Hedda Hopper, 1885


Today in History:

Anne Boleyn, Queen of England, is arrested and imprisoned on charges of adultery, incest, treason and witchcraft, 1536
John Knox returns from exile to Scotland to become the leader of the beginning Scottish Reformation, 1559
Mary, Queen of Scots, escapes from Loch Leven Castle, 1568
King Charles II of England grants a permanent charter to the Hudson's Bay Company to open up the fur trade in North America, 1670
William Herschel discovers 1st binary star, Xi Ursae Majoris, 1780
Charles Fremantle founds the Swan River Colony in Australia, 1829
Good Housekeeping magazine goes on sale for the first time, 1885
Cree and Assiniboine warriors win the Battle of Cut Knife, their largest victory over Canadian forces during the North-West Rebellion, 1885
The Congo Free State is established by King Léopold II of Belgium, 1885
Hannibal W Goodwin patents celluloid photographic film, 1887
General Motors acquires the Chevrolet Motor Company of Delaware, 1918
Pearl S. Buck is awarded the Pulitzer Prize for The Good Earth, 1938
The world's first ever jet airliner, the De Havilland Comet 1 makes its maiden flight, from London to Johannesburg, 1952
Tennessee Williams is awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Drama for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, 1955
The British ocean liner Queen Elizabeth 2 departs on her maiden voyage to New York City, 1969
The 1986 World Exposition in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, opens, 1986

Little Girl came to me on her birthday yesterday and said, "Mom, I'm mad."

"What are you mad about? Your shoulder?"

"That, and I just started my first period!"

A 12th birthday to remember, that is for sure.


Today is

Amtrak Day

Beltaine / Samhain -- Wicca

Chimney Sweep's Day

Executive Coaching Day

Faint-Hearted Fairies May (or May Not) Ball -- Fairy Calendar

Free Comic Book Day

International Labor/Workers Day

Join Hands Day (Why? Are they falling apart?)

Kentucky Derby

Law Day

Lei Day, Hawai'i

Loyalty Day

Martin Z. Mollusk Day, Ocean City, NJ (if the hermit crab sees his shadow, summer comes a week early)

May Day

Mother Goose Day

National Anxiety Disorders Screening Day

National Chocolate Parfait Day

National Dance Day

National Homebrew Day

National Scrapbooking Day

New Homeowner's Day

Plant a Flower Day

Santacruzan, Philippines (lasts through the month)

Save the Rhino Day

Silver Star Day

Stepmother's Day

Sober Day, USA

Space Day

St. Efsio's Day

St. Joseph the Worker's Day

St. Peregrine Laziosi's Day (patron against cancer)

St. Tamenend's Day (aka Tammany's Day)

St. Walpurga's Day (The saint who banishes the evil from Walpurgis night.)

Tuba Day


Birthdays Today:

Tim McGraw, 1967
Ray Parker, Jr., 1954
Rita Coolidge, 1945
Judy Collins, 1939
Terry Southern, 1924
Jack Paar, 1918
Glenn Ford, 1916
Kate Smith, 1909
Calamity Jane (Martha Jane Burke), 1852
King Kamehameha I of Hawai'i, 1738


Today in History:

The Wars of Scottish Independence end with a treaty recognizing the Kingdom of Scotland as a separate entity, 1328
The Act of Union joins the Kingdom of England and Kingdom of Scotland to form the Kingdom of Great Britain, 1707
Species Plantarum is published by Linnaeus, marking the formal start date of plant taxonomy adopted by the International Code of Botanical Nomenclature, 1753
Josiah Wedgwood founds the Wedgwood pottery company in Great Britain, 1759
Jesuit-taught Adam Weishaupt establishes the Illuminati in Ingolstadt (Upper Bavaria), 1776
Kamehameha, the king of Hawai'i defeats Kalanikupule and establishes the Kingdom of Hawai'i, 1785
The British colonies abolish slavery, 1834
The Penny Black, the first official adhesive postage stamp, is issued in the United Kingdom, 1840
Queen Victoria opens the Great Exhibition in London, 1851
The Empire of Brazil, Argentina and Uruguay sign the Treaty of the Triple Alliance, 1865
The Folies Bergère opens in Paris, 1869
Moses Fleetwood Walker becomes the first black person to play in a professional baseball game in the United States, 1884
The RMS Lusitania departs from New York City on her two hundred and second, and final, crossing of the North Atlantic, 1915
The first cooked meals on a scheduled flight are introduced on an Imperial Airways flight from London to Paris, 1927
The dwarf planet Pluto is officially named, 1930
The Empire State Building is dedicated in New York City, 1931
The Salk vaccine is made available to the public, 1956
Fidel Castro proclaims Cuba a socialist nation and abolishes elections, 1961
Amtrak is formed to take over the U.S. passenger rail service, 1971

Just an Update

Kitten update:

Forrest is sneezing like crazy, while the others are about over it. I'm starting to think she might be showing early signs of asthma. The good thing is that she eats like a champ now, so I don't have to worry about that with her anymore. Some of the others are a different story.

She, along with Johnny Depp, Neferteri, and Bud, are still being treated twice a day with bleach water for ringworm. They all eat dry food now, although they still want milk in a bowl. and use the litter box consistently. It is so cute to see their little "milk mustaches" when they come up for air. If they are over their ringworm by the date of their surgery, May 18, they will go up for adoption that next weekend.

Tailless is growing like a weed. The 5 who are now her siblings are tentatively Olga, Tatiana, Maria, Anastasia, and Alexei (the one boy). All of them seem to be doing okay except Anastasia, the marble tabby. She just won't eat much, and is very small. They are usually using the litter box, and we are keeping them separate from the older 4 so that we don't spread the ringworm or sneezing. If Anastasia's appetite doesn't chirk up a bit soon, I will have to start her on fluids.

Update on Little Girl -- her birthday! She will sit quietly on the couch while the rest of us clean the church, and get paid anyway. We will not know until her revisit with the doctor on Tuesday whether or not she will need surgery.

In honor of national humor month

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!


Today is

Fairy Queen's Birthday -- Fairy Calendar

Hairstylist Appreciation Day

Maitag Vorabend, Switzerland (May Day Eve)

National Child Care Professionals Day

National Hairball Awareness Day

National Honesty Day

National Oatmeal Cookie Day

Raisin Day

St. Adjutor's Day (patron of swimmers, yatchsmen; against drowning)

St. James the Great Day -- Orthodox Christian

UHF Day

Salus, in Portugal and Spain (festival of the dead)

Walpurgis Night -- Ancient Celtic/Nordic Calendars

Workers Day, Uruguay


Anniversaries Today:

Louisiana becomes the 18th US state, 1812


Birthdays Today:

Kirsten Dunst, 1982
Jeff Timmons, 1973
Carolyn Dawn Johnson, 1971
Michael Waltrip, 1963
Isiah Thomas, 1961
Stuart Mathis, 1960
Stephen Harper, 1959
Carl XVI Gustav, King of Sweden, 1946
Jill Clayburgh, 1944
Burt Young, 1940
Willie Nelson, 1933
Cloris Leachman, 1926
Queen Juliana of the Netherlands, 1909
Eve Arden, 1908


Today in History:

Supernova SN 1006, the brightest supernova in recorded history, appears in the constellation Lupus, 1006
Orbital calculations suggest that on this day, Pluto moved inside Neptune's orbit until July 23, 1503, 1483
Columbus is given a royal commission to equip his fleet, 1492
On the balcony of Federal Hall on Wall Street in New York City, George Washington takes the oath of office to become the first elected President of the United States, 1789
The United States purchases the Louisiana Territory from France, 1803
Nicaragua declares independence from the Central American Federation, 1838
Casey Jones dies in a train wreck in Vaughn, Mississippi, while trying to make up time on the Cannonball Express, 1900
Douglas Fairbanks and Mary Pickford become the first celebrities to leave their footprints in concrete at Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood, 1927
In Bogotá, Colombia, the Organization of American States is established, 1948
Communist forces gain control of Saigon and the Vietnam War formally ends, 1975
CERN announces World Wide Web protocols will be free, 1993

ER is Bad for My Karma

I got a call to contact someone with more kittens, and never made the contact. At that moment, #2 Son came running in to say that his little sister thought her arm was broken.

Next thing I know, Little Girl comes in, crying in the way that lets a mom know it is real pain this time. She is nursing her left arm (and, of course, she is left handed), and saying the pain is above the elbow.

I asked what happened, and was told that #2 Son had used their homeschool recess to rebuild his bike ramp and convince his sister to try it. The first couple of times, she did fine. Then, the handlebars literally folded forward that last time, throwing her.

I grabbed my "brain," the bag in which I keep medical cards, my calendar, bills, the checkbook, and everything else I might need quickly, and ran out the door to see my good ice chest being used for the rebuilt ramp. I told the boy to put it away, feed the kittens through the afternoon, and stay out of more trouble. Then I buckled Little Girl into the van.

The trip to the ER was torture. Every light turned red just as we got to it, prolonging the trip by a good 10 minutes. Every bump brought new cries. The ER parking lot was full, so I pulled up and got her out at the door, telling the security guard I would be back to move my car. No one is supposed to be in that lot unless they are there with a patient in the ER, but it is closer than the parking lots on the other side of the building, so people pack it out anyway.

Once inside, I was sent to a desk that had no one there. A sign said to just fill out a form, and by the time I finished the lady was there, guiding us to triage.

Thus began 5 1/2 hours in the ER, most of it spent listening to babies screaming, which tore my heart.

They determined pretty quickly that it was probably not dislocated, and it wasn't the collarbone. Then it was time for a morphine IV so that her stomach would stay empty in case of surgery. It sounds great, but the morphine really just made her a tiny bit loopy and didn't do much for the pain.

X-rays, which also hurt because of having to move the arm to get the angles right, showed the bone is broken just below the shoulder joint. The break missed the growth plate, the bone has not shifted so she shouldn't need surgery, and the doctor who looked at it there cannot follow up because we have the wrong insurance. Tomorrow I call a different doctor who will make certain she doesn't need anything more than a sling and immobilization.

The meds they sent her home with have done much more for the pain than the morphine did, and she is on the couch for the night.

She spent most of the time in the ER upset because everything there takes so long. She also was not happy that they made her let me go in with her to the restroom. After all, she will be 12 in two days, it's horrible to have your mom in there with you.

This whole thing just proves what I have said to the kids for years. Don't do anything that will land you in the ER, it is bad for my karma.

In honor of national humor month

Thing My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


Today is

Cheng Cheng Kung Landing Day, Taiwan

Feast of the Secret Masters

Greenery Day

Milk-Curdling Sunday -- Fairy Calendar, Gremlins, and not always on a Sunday

Moment of Laughter Day

National Dance Day

National Shrimp Scampi Day

Ninth Day of Ridvan -- Baha'i

Poem In Your Pocket Day

St. Catherine of Siena's Day (patron of Italy; against fire)


Anniversaries Today:

Princess Irene marries Prince Carel Hugo de Bourbon Parma, 1964


Birthdays Today:

Andre Agassi, 1970
Uma Thurman, 1970
Michelle Pfeiffer, 1958
Daniel Day-Lewis, 1957
Kate Mulgrew, 1955
Jerry Seinfeld, 1954
Dale Earnhardt, 1951
Johnny Miller, 1947
Zubin Mehta, 1936
Lane Smith, 1936
Celeste Holm, 1919
Tom Ewell, 1909
Hirohito, 1901
Duke Ellington, 1899
William Randolph Hearst, 1863


Today in History:

The Moors arrive at Gibraltar to begin their invasion of the Iberian Peninsula, 711
Joan of Arc arrives at Orleans to relieve the siege, 1492
Eleven Dutch ships depart for the conquest of Peru, 1623
The Ming Dynasty occupies Tiawan, 1661
The French Fleet prevents Britian from siezing the Cape of Good Hope, 1781
Peter Roget publishes the first edition of his Thesaurus, 1852
The "Elektromote" – forerunner of the trolleybus – is tested by Ernst Werner von Siemens in Berlin, 1882
The North Sea floodgate at Ijmuiden, the biggest in world, officially opens, 1930
The telephone connection of England-Australia goes into service, 1930
The first U.S. experimental 3D-TV broadcast airs, and episode of "Space Patrol" shown over ABC affiliate KECA in Los Angeles, 1953
The first military nuclear power plant opens, in Ft. Belvoir 1957
A cyclone strikes the Chittagong district of southeastern Bangladesh with winds of around 155 mph, killing at least 138,000 people and leaving as many as 10 million homeless, 1991
Oldsmobile builds its final car ending 107 years of production, 2004

More Conversations with #2 Son

"Mom, I'm making a weapon of mass destruction," he told me, as he held on to his bleeding hand.

"Son, have you ever heard of 'karma'?" I asked him.

"Very funny, mom. Please hand me a paper towel."

*************************************************************************************
"Hey, mom, when did we get the leaf blower? Can I play with it?"

"Well, I don't know about play with it, but you may get the leaves out of the trench so they don't impede water flow next time it rains."

"Okay, but when Fred comes later, may I duct tape it to my butt? That way I can get him to say, 'Uh, I think this is going to end badly!'"

*************************************************************************************
Upon buying a new energy drink he hadn't tried before, "Ewww, this tastes like pee."

"Son, how would you know?"

"Mom, you don't want to know how I know."

*************************************************************************************
"Mom, did I ever tell you about the time I got Mike to use his bike to pull me in that old toy ride on truck we used to have?"

"No, son, because I wouldn't have let you do it."

"I know, but I got him to pull me, and I did a barrel roll when we crashed. I landed in a neighbor's garage, and I stuck my head out and saw the neighbor, and I had blood all over my face. The guy just looked at me, and I asked him if he would throw the truck away for me, cause it was ruined. He did."

"So that's what happened to it. I had always wondered."

*************************************************************************************
In honor of national humor month

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell,' has got to go."


Today is

Chicken-Tickling Day -- Fairy Calendar (Leprechauns)

Costume Day

Full Pink Moon/Sprouting Grass Moon/Egg Moon/Fish Moon

Great Poetry Reading Day

Kiss Your Mate Day - guys, do not forget this one. Kiss her, then read her some poetry.

National Blueberry Pie Day

National Day of Mourning, Canada

Santa Fe Trail Day

St. Peter Chanel's Day

St. Vitalis and Valeria's Day

Texas Wildflower Day

Theravadin New Year -- Buddhist, through May 1

Workers Memorial Day


Birthdays Today:


Jessica Alba, 1981
Penelope Cruz, 1974
Nancy Lee Grahn, 1958
Jay Leno, 1950
Ann-Margaret, 1941
Harper Lee, 1926
Oscar Schindler, 1908
Lionel Barrymore, 1878
James Monroe, 1758


Today in History:

Nichiren Buddhism is founded, 1253
Captain William Bligh and 18 crewmen from the HMS Bounty are set adrift, 1789
Azerbaijan is added to the Soviet Union., 1920
The first night game in organized baseball history takes place in Independence, Kansas, 1930
A vaccine for yellow fever is announced for use on humans, 1932
Thor Heyerdahl and five crew mates set out from Peru on the Kon-Tiki, 1947

Ten minutes before we were supposed to leave for co-op, Little Girl asks, "Mom, do you have a plain white t-shirt for me? I have to wear it for the performance today."

I would say that I should have stuck with goldfish over kids, but from what I understand there are different types of goldfish, and they need different care and sizes of aquariums and keeping them is a specialty all its own.

In honor of national humor month

Did you ever wonder

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Today is

Babe Ruth Day

Constitution Day, Yugoslavia

Floralia -- Ancient Roman Calendar (festival to Flora, goddess of flowers and vegetation, through May 3)

Freedom Day, South Africa

Independence Day, in Togo and Sierra Leone

Matanzas Mule Day

Meenkankshi Kalyanam, India (Hindu celebration of the marriage of the goddess Meenkanshi and Lord Shiva, and therefore of all Hindu marriages)

Morse Code Day

National D.J. Day

National Prime Rib Day

National Teach Your Children To Save Day

Sleep Day

St. Zita's Day (patron of housemaids, finding lost keys)

Tell a Story Day

Veterans Day, Finland

Write An Old Friend Today Day


Anniversaries Today:

Cornell University is established as New York's land grant institution, 1865


Birthdays Today:

Patrick Stump, 1984
Sheena Easton, 1959
Ace Frehley, 1951
Cuba Gooding, Sr., 1944
Earl Anthony, 1938
Sandy Dennis, 1937
Anouk Aimee, 1932
Casey Kasem, 1932
Coretta Scott King, 1927
Jack Klugman, 1922
Sergei Prokofiev, 1891
Ulysses S. Grant, 1822
Samuel Morse, 1791
Mary Wollstonecraft, 1759
Suleiman the Magnificent, 1495


Today in History:

Ferdinand Magellan is killed by natives in the Philippines led by chief Lapu-Lapu, 1521
Re-founding of the city of Bogotá, New Granada (now Colombia), by Nikolaus Federmann and Sebastián de Belalcázar, 1539
Cebu is established as the first Spanish settlement in the Philippines, 1565
The blind and impoverished, John Milton sells the copyright of Paradise Lost for £10, 1667
The British Parliament passes the Tea Act, 1773
Beethoven composes Für Elise, 1810
US troops capture the capital of Upper Canada, York (present day Toronto, Canada), 1813
The Foundation stone for new Palace of Westminster, London, is laid, 1840
The establishment of Jewish congregations in Lower Austria is prohibited, 1857
In South Africa, the Group Areas Act is passed formally segregating races, 1950
Togo gains independence from French-administered UN trusteeship, 1960
Sierra Leone is granted its independence from the United Kingdom, 1961
Expo 67 officially opens in Montreal, Canada, 1967
Xerox PARC introduces the computer mouse, 1981

Conversations with #2 Son

"Hey, mom, I'm going to have to get on the roof."

"Why, son?"

"Well, Sam's new plane might be up there for reasons that kinda sorta might have to do with me. So I need to go get it."

**************************************************************************************
"Mom, did I tell you what we did on New Year's Eve?"

"Not yet, and I have the feeling I don't want you to."

"Well, Mr. Bryan had some gasoline for his generator, and he put it in a bucket with lighter fluid and rubbing alcohol, and we shot roman candles at it."

"What happened when you hit it?"

"Oh, all of us missed, so he threw it on the wood and we had a bonfire."

*************************************************************************************
"Hey, mom, do you have anything I can put a turtle in?"

"Sure, son, use the blue bucket outside."

"I can't it already has 3 snakes in it. Can I use the ice chest? I'll clean it real good and use bleach."

"No, son, I don't want a turtle in there. I put food in that."

"But I'll clean it!"

"No ... wait. Where is the ice chest?"

"Well, I didn't know you would say no."

Later, as he let the snakes out of the bucket in the park at the spring Civic Association party:

"Son, put the snakes back in the bucket and take them back to the creek. You are scaring the ladies."

"I know. Watching them scream and run is the fun part!"

"Son, take them back."

"Awwww, okay."

************************************************************************************

In honor of national humor month

Grass snakes

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is really ended up in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breath here......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her

Today is

Fairy Laughter Convention -- Fairy Calendar

Festival of Individual Sovereignty

Hug an Australian Day

International Azalea Festival

Internatinal Marconi Day

National Pretzel Day

Remember Your First Kiss Day

Richter Scale Day

Running of the Rodents, at Spalding University in Louisville, Kentucky*

Shuffleboard Day

Static Cling Day

St. Marcellinus' Day

Union Day, Tanzania

*Part of the pre-Derby celebrations, and begun in 1972, festivities include the Rodent Parade, the Rat Hat Contest, and a Fruit Loop Eating Contest (rats love Fruit Loops, and the overall winner of the races receives a loop of Loops).


Anniversaries Today:

Prince Albert (future George VI) marries Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon


Birthdays Today:

Jon Lee, 1982
Jason Earles, 1977
Tom Welling, 1977
Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins, 1970
Kane, 1967
Jet Li, 1963
Michael Damian, 1962
Bobby Rydell, 1942
Duane Eddy, 1938
Carol Burnett, 1933
I.M. Pei, 1917
John James Audobon, 1785
Marcus Aurelius, 121


Today in History:

Copernicus makes his first observations of Saturn, 1514
William Shakespeare is baptized, 1564
English colonists of the Jamestown settlement make landfall at Cape Henry, Virginia, 1607
Napoleon Bonaparte signs a general amnesty to allow all but about one thousand of the most notorious émigrés of the French Revolution to return to France, 1802
Paul von Hindenburg defeats Wilhelm Marx in the second round of the German presidential election to become the first directly elected head of state of the Weimar Republic, 1925
In Libya, amendments to the constitution transform Libya (United Kingdom of Libya) into one national unity (Kingdom of Libya) and allows for female participation in elections, 1963
Tanganyika and Zanzibar merge to form Tanzania, 1964
A Rolling Stones concert in London, Ontario is shut down by police after 15 minutes due to rioting, 1965
Physicists announce first evidence of the top quark subatomic particle, 1994