Tuesday, February 7, 2012

A friend of mine is asking...

...how to bathe a cat.

This is, of course, her first cat, or she wouldn't be asking.

So i told her to gather her chain mail gauntlets, bandages, and whiskey. The last is for you, i told her, internally to dull the pain of the lacerations and externally to sterilize them.

Then i gave her the actual tips, which include not bothering, as they have a tendency to do a very good job of it themselves.

And of course, i quoted my favorite method, an joke passed around a while back that i still enjoy:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Signed,
The Dog



Today is:

Charles Dickens Day -- read a chapter or two of his work, in honor of his birth

Daniel Boone Escape Day (He escaped from the Shawnee tribe which had captured him.)

Full Snow Moon/Full Hunger Moon -- acknowledging that February usually has the heaviest snowfall and is the leanest time for hunting

Independence Day -- Grenada

National Fettucini Alfredo Day

National Hangover Awareness Day -- internet generated and shouldn't it be on Jan.1?

Send a Card to a Friend Day -- wonder which card company created this one

Saint Theodore Stratelates' Day (Patron of Brindisi, Italy, and of soldiers)

Wave All you Fingers at Your Neighbor Day -- sponsored by Wellcat Holidays; wave to your neighbors, let them know you like them


Birthdays Today:

Tina Majorino, 1985
Ashton Kutcher, 1978
Chris Rock, 1965
Garth Brooks, 1962
James Spader, 1960
Keefe Brasselle, 1923
Eddie Bracken, 1920
Larry "Buster" Crabbe, 1908
Sinclair Lewis, 1885
Alfred Adler, 1870
Laura Ingalls Wilder, 1867
Dmitri Ivanovich Mendeleev, 1834
Charles Dickens, 1812
John Deere, 1804
Sir Thomas More, 1478


Today in History:

The Mongols burn the Russian city of Vladimir, 1238
Edward of Carnarvon,later Edward II, becomes the first English prince to hold the title Prince of Wales, 1301
The bonfire of the vanities occurs in which supporters of Girolamo Savonarola burn thousands of objects like cosmetics, art, and books in Florence, Italy, 1497
King Philip II forms an inquisition in South America, 1569
Academie Francaise begins a Dictionary of the French Language, 1639
An 8.2 magnitude earthquake shakes New Madrid, Missouri, 1812
The colonial Tasmanian Parliament passes the Electoral Act of 1856, the first piece of legislation anywhere in the world providing for elections by way of a secret ballot, 1856
The Battle at Ingogo, Transvaal: the Boers defeat superior British forces, 1881
The Great Blizzard of 1891 begins, 1891
Émile Zola is brought to trial for libel for publishing J'Accuse, 1898
Baltimore catches fire; 1500 buildings are destroyed in 80 blocks, 1904
The Mud March, the first large procession organized by the National Union of Women’s Suffrage Societies (NUWSS), 1907
Charlie Chaplin debuts "The Tramp" in "Kid Auto Races at Venice," 1914
The first wireless message sent from a moving train to a station is received, 1915
Bert Hinkler begins the first solo flight from England to Australia, 1928
Pluto moves inside Neptune's orbit for the first time since either was discovered, 1979
Astronauts Bruce McCandless II and Robert L. Stewart make the first untethered space walk using the Manned Maneuvering Unit (MMU), 1984
The Central Committee of the Soviet Communist Party agrees to give up its monopoly on power, 1990
Haiti's first democratically-elected president, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, is sworn in, 1991
The Maastricht Treaty is signed, leading to the creation of the European Union, 1992
Crown Prince Abdullah becomes the King of Jordan on the death of his father, King Hussein, 1999
Bushfires in Victoria left 173 dead in the worst natural disaster in Australia's history, 2009

4 comments:

  1. Funny post. I was considering reporting you to PETA until I got to the punchline. Gullible isn't written on my forehead for nothing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Trust me, Stephen, PETA is in my own house in the form of Bigger Girl, who would never let me get away with it. Glad you enjoyed the joke.

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  3. Been a while since I heard that one, I got a chuckle again! If you can believe this, I had one cat that actually LIKED water. I washed it several times, and it would, after rainstorms, go out to the center of the puddle to drink. Standing *in* said puddle...

    Cat

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ah yes.. one of my favourites, too. Thanks for the re-chuckle.

    ReplyDelete