Carl was getting dressed for work and i handed him a pair of socks. He promptly threw them to the floor, and i asked why.
“Because I’m about to put them on!” he said, as if that was the perfectly logical thing to say and do.
He then grabbed a different pair, sat down on the floor, and put his shoes and socks on, leaving behind the pair i’d first handed him.
A few minutes later, i found another pair in the bathroom. Job security.
Bigger Girl loves animals, and falls for every abandoned dog she runs across. She works at a vet office where people sometimes just leave their pets, not returning to pay for the vet work. These abandoned animals are put up for adoption, and she wants them all.
Recently one was left there that had a terrible habit of play biting. Bigger Girl took it upon herself to try to teach this dog not to play bite, but it was slow going. She was concerned the animal would never be adopted because of her biting habit.
Then i got this text:
Hey, mom, thought you’d like to know that the dog that was left at work has found a home. Our new handyman adopted her. I’m kinda salty about it because I spent hours trying to train this dog not to play bite, and it took his 4-year-old two seconds by biting back. Now the little girl and the dog are inseparable and I am happy but also miffed that a preschooler managed to train a dog that’s so dumb she’d have to study for three days to pass a urine test.
A few more of those “bumper snickers”:
And finally just so you know:
Guts or balls.
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death
Have a blessed and beautiful Tuesday, everyone!
Banquet of Fairies, Goblins, Pixies, and Elves -- Fairy Calendar
Burning of the Clavie -- Burghead, Scotland (ancient ritual to ensure good luck through the year)
Carmentalia -- Ancient Roman Calendar (festival of the goddess of childbirth)
Cuckoo Dancing Week begins -- in honor of Laurel & Hardy, whose theme song was "The Dancing Cuckoos"; watch some of their fabulous material this week, and introduce it to a new fan
Designated Hitter Day -- the American League adopted the "designated hitter" rule on this date in 1973
Feast of Sokar -- Ancient Egyptian Calendar (date approximate)
Independence Manifesto Day -- Morocco(1944); Western Sahara(1944)
International Thank You Day -- as declared by Adrienne Sioux Koopersmith
Juturnalia -- Ancient Roman Calendar (goddess of prophetic waters festival)
Kosrae Constitution Day -- Micronesia
National Hot Toddy Day
Secret Pal Day -- no info found on the origin, it's a secret! do something nice for someone, secretly.
Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friends Day -- just don't do it to your secret pal
Sts. Paldo, Taso, and Tato's Day (founders of the monastery of San Vincenzo)
St. Theodosius of Cappadocia (Patron of file makers)
Tattoo Pride Day
Amanda Peet, 1972
Mary Blige, 1971
Kim Coles, 1962
Stanley Tucci, 1960
Ben Crenshaw, 1952
Christine Kaufmann, 1945
Naomi Judd, 1946
Jim Hightower, 1943
Clarence Clemens, 1942
Jean Chretien, 1934
Rod Taylor, 1930
Grant Tinker, 1926
Alice Paul, 1885
William James, 1842
Eugenio Maria Hostos, 1839
John A. Macdonald, 1815
Alexander Hamilton, 1755
Theodosius I, 347
"Have a Heart"(Musical), 1917
Today in History:
Prophet of Islam Muhammad leads an army of 10,000 Muslims to conquer Mecca, 630
The first recorded lottery in England is drawn in St. Paul's Cathedral, 1569
Isaac Newton is elected a member of the Royal Society, 1642
Mt. Etna erupts, 1693
William Herschel discovers Titania and Oberon, the moons of Uranus, 1787
An earthquake in Martinique destroys half of Port Royal and results in about 700 deaths, 1839
Charring Cross Station opens in London, 1864
Milk is first delivered in bottles, 1878
Martha H. Cannon becomes the first woman state senator in the US, in Utah, 1897
The Hudson, the first sedan type automobile, goes on display at the 13th Auto Show in NYC, 1913
The first use of insulin to treat diabetes in a human patient occurs in Canada, with 14-year-old Leonard Thompson, 1922
Amelia Earhart becomes the first person to fly solo from Honolulu to Oakland, California, 1935
The first recorded snowfall in Los Angeles, California, 1949
United States Surgeon General Luther Leonidas Terry, M.D., publishes a landmark report saying that smoking may be hazardous to health, sparking nation- and worldwide anti-smoking efforts, 1964
The Gateway Bridge, Brisbane in Queensland, Australia is officially opened, 1986
The government of Ireland announces the end of a 20-year broadcasting ban on the IRA, 1994
Illinois Governor George Ryan commutes the death sentences of 167 prisoners on Illinois' death row based on the Jon Burge scandal, 2003
Forty-six people are killed and 12 are missing after a landslide buries a village in the Yunnan province, China, 2013
In China's first significant #MeToo moment Beihang University in Beijing fires a professor for sexual misconduct, 2018
Taiwan re-elects Tsai Ing-wen for a second term as president by a landslide, 2020