Monday, April 26, 2010

Conversations with #2 Son

"Hey, mom, I'm going to have to get on the roof."

"Why, son?"

"Well, Sam's new plane might be up there for reasons that kinda sorta might have to do with me. So I need to go get it."

"Mom, did I tell you what we did on New Year's Eve?"

"Not yet, and I have the feeling I don't want you to."

"Well, Mr. Bryan had some gasoline for his generator, and he put it in a bucket with lighter fluid and rubbing alcohol, and we shot roman candles at it."

"What happened when you hit it?"

"Oh, all of us missed, so he threw it on the wood and we had a bonfire."

"Hey, mom, do you have anything I can put a turtle in?"

"Sure, son, use the blue bucket outside."

"I can't it already has 3 snakes in it. Can I use the ice chest? I'll clean it real good and use bleach."

"No, son, I don't want a turtle in there. I put food in that."

"But I'll clean it!"

"No ... wait. Where is the ice chest?"

"Well, I didn't know you would say no."

Later, as he let the snakes out of the bucket in the park at the spring Civic Association party:

"Son, put the snakes back in the bucket and take them back to the creek. You are scaring the ladies."

"I know. Watching them scream and run is the fun part!"

"Son, take them back."

"Awwww, okay."


In honor of national humor month

Grass snakes

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is really ended up in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breath here......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her

Today is

Fairy Laughter Convention -- Fairy Calendar

Festival of Individual Sovereignty

Hug an Australian Day

International Azalea Festival

Internatinal Marconi Day

National Pretzel Day

Remember Your First Kiss Day

Richter Scale Day

Running of the Rodents, at Spalding University in Louisville, Kentucky*

Shuffleboard Day

Static Cling Day

St. Marcellinus' Day

Union Day, Tanzania

*Part of the pre-Derby celebrations, and begun in 1972, festivities include the Rodent Parade, the Rat Hat Contest, and a Fruit Loop Eating Contest (rats love Fruit Loops, and the overall winner of the races receives a loop of Loops).

Anniversaries Today:

Prince Albert (future George VI) marries Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon

Birthdays Today:

Jon Lee, 1982
Jason Earles, 1977
Tom Welling, 1977
Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins, 1970
Kane, 1967
Jet Li, 1963
Michael Damian, 1962
Bobby Rydell, 1942
Duane Eddy, 1938
Carol Burnett, 1933
I.M. Pei, 1917
John James Audobon, 1785
Marcus Aurelius, 121

Today in History:

Copernicus makes his first observations of Saturn, 1514
William Shakespeare is baptized, 1564
English colonists of the Jamestown settlement make landfall at Cape Henry, Virginia, 1607
Napoleon Bonaparte signs a general amnesty to allow all but about one thousand of the most notorious émigrés of the French Revolution to return to France, 1802
Paul von Hindenburg defeats Wilhelm Marx in the second round of the German presidential election to become the first directly elected head of state of the Weimar Republic, 1925
In Libya, amendments to the constitution transform Libya (United Kingdom of Libya) into one national unity (Kingdom of Libya) and allows for female participation in elections, 1963
Tanganyika and Zanzibar merge to form Tanzania, 1964
A Rolling Stones concert in London, Ontario is shut down by police after 15 minutes due to rioting, 1965
Physicists announce first evidence of the top quark subatomic particle, 1994

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