Every time I try to stop to eat, the kittens are climbing me, and I have to feed them instead.
Next time they quit eating, I'm going to take my headachey self to bed for an hour.
Dinner tonight will be two choices -- take it or leave it.
In honor of national humor month:
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light Bulb?
One! ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this House knows HOW to change a light bulb! They Don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would still be in the same spot! And underneath it would be the wrapper the freaking light bulb came in because NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!!!
IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP
THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!!!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!!!!!!
AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON
WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!
I’m sorry. What was the question?
he Queen MotToday is
Budget Day, UK
Fast and Prayer Day, Liberia
Martyr's Day, Tunisia
Name Yourself Day
National Cherish An Antique Day
National Chinese Almond Cookie Day
National Geography Bee -- State Level
National Former Prisoners of War Recognition Day
St. Casilda's Day
Winston Churchill Day
Sophia Loren marries Carlo Ponti, 1966
Charles, Prince of Wales, marries Camilla Parker-Bowles, 2005
Elle Fanning, 1998
Kristen Stewart, 1990
Jesse McCartney, 1987
Leighton Meester, 1986
Keshia Knight Pulliam, 1979
Rachel Stevens, 1978
Gerard Way, 1977
Austin Peck, 1971
Cynthia Nixon, 1966
Paulina Prizkova, 1965
Dennis Quaid, 1954
Michael Learned, 1939
Avery Schreiber, 1935
Jean-Paul Belmondo, 1933
Hugh Hefner, 1926
Ward Bond, 1903
Paul Robeson, 1898
Efrem Zimbalist, 1889
Charles Baudelaire, 1821
Today in History:
The Mongol hordes defeat the Poles and Germans in the Battle of Liegnitz, 1241
Robert Cavalier de la Salle reaches the mouth of the Mississippi River and claims all the land drained by the river and its tributaries for France, 1682
The African Methodist Episcopal church in the US is formed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 1816
The oldest audible sound recording of a human voice is made, 1860
Robert E. Lee surrenders the Army of Northern Virginia to Ulysses Grant at Appomattox Court House, effectively ending the US Civil War, 1865
The Hudson Bay Company cedes its territory to Canada, 1869
The Titanic leaves Queenstown, Ireland for NYC, 1912
The first full color film, "World, The Flesh, and The Devil", premiers in London, 1914
Mae West makes her NYC debut in "Diamond Lil," 1928
The first Japanese built aircraft to fly to Europe, the Kamikaze, arrives at Croydon Airport in London, 1937
The Suez Canal is officially opened for shipping, 1957
In the first game in the Astrodome, Houston beats the Yankees 2-1 in an exhibition game, and Mickey Mantle hits the first indoor home run, 1967
The first British built Concorde makes its first flight, 1969
Georgia declares its independence from Russia, 1991
The funeral of Queen Elizabeth, the queen mother at Westminster Abbey, 2002